Sometimes I Like to Pretend I Am a Photographer

Eli

I know I have a ton of catching up to do, but right now I want to talk about my first baby...my first furry baby. Eli, our loyal and goofy canine companion left us extremely suddenly on Tuesday night. Eli was 11. We don't know her exact birthday, but we got her when she was about 6 months old. I remember it clearly. I was waiting tables in Mattoon, senior year in college. Actually, I was done with classes and just about to start my internship. It was Labor Day. I pondered outloud whether or not the animal shelter was open because I wanted to get a dog. My manager said he had a dog. A six month old puppy. He had recently gotten married and the union created a Brady Bunch type situation and the dog just was a bit much. She was mostly house broken, and she was fixed. We arranged to meet up to check this puppy out and we were handed a leash, a bag of food, and a puppy named Ginny. I guess we were definitely getting a dog. And she was getting a new name. There are so many Eli stories over the years. Like how when she was a puppy she was so long she resemebled the slinky dog from Toy Story. Our roommate had cats and the litter box was on the deck and there was a kitty door on the sliding door. Eli was skinny enough to fit through. Eli chewed a hole in our mattress, being careful to pull back the sheet and mattress pad before making herself a nest. She chewed a hole in the wall. One Christmas, after we had eaten and while we were opening presents, she stole the remaining crown pork roast off the dining room table. She came trotting through the kitchen with the roast in her mouth and two other dogs close on her heels. She didn't even know she did anything wrong. She was very long, so she could reach things you thought were out of reach. In our apartment in Charleston she would run from the front door, straight down the hallway to our bedroom, jump on the bed and run back, over and over and over again. It was hilarious. She was so excited when we very suddenly found our selves with another puppy a year later. She moved from Charleston to my parents house to our first apartment as a married couple to our house here with me. She took it in stride when she suddenly took back seat to the crying, squirming little person we brought home one day. She was a great protector of both girls and would sit there and let Lily pull up on her when she was learning to walk, and more recently she suffered the styling antics of Lily. Just the other day Lily put her ballet medal on Eli. It wasn't uncommon to find beaded necklaces and princess crowns on E. In recent years, both E and Lucy have taken a backseat to the kids. I knew they were getting older, but compared to so many other people I know with dogs, they were just so healthy. I guess I just expected them to be around forever. On Tuesday evening, I noticed Eli panting heavily, but I didn't think anything of it because Lucy kind of was too and it was storming and both dogs would get a little worked up at thunder. Matt was out and I put the kids to be and didn't really notice anything more about Eli. She was in the other room from me so I don't even know if she was panting heavily still. When Matt got home about 9, E came in and was laying on the floor by us. She was still panting heavily. I went to bed a bit later to read and heard Matt talking to Eli. He called me out to the family room and Eli was laying on the floor, panting heavily, with her mouth open and a very strange look on her face. Matt said she had fallen off the couch and he helped to lay down. I got her a little water and noticed her gums were white. There is a 24 hour vet ER very close so Matt took her. About 20 minutes after he left he called and said they think she had a tumor that ruptured and she was bleeding internally. And we needed to make a decision. Quickly. They could do a surgery that might work and even then might only give her a couple months. But we needed to act now. We decided she was 11 and I didn't want to put her through a surgery that might not work, that would probably only give her a little more time, some of which would have been spent recovering from said surgery. I was quickly thinking of who I could call to come sit with the kids, but there wasn't even time for me to go say goodbye. Even though we made the decision together, poor Matt was the one that had to actually say the words...it was probably the hardest decision we have had to make. I know we made the right decision. But I am still sad. I wish I would have given her a bigger hug. I honestly thought she was having a seizure or stroke or something. I certainly didn't think she wouldn't be coming home. Five hours earlier she had eaten her dinner and been playing with us. It was so sudden! We had to tell Lily when she woke up the next morning. She actually has taken it really well. Occasionally she will say she misses Eli and be a little sad, but she just says we don't have to worry about Eli anymore because she is in Heaven with our grandmas (Grandma Margie and Gigima) and Jesus and God. I am missing her more and more as I am noticing her absence more. This afternoon I was reluctant to vacuum. After 11 years of complaining about her relentless shedding, I was sad to vacuum up what was left. I think Lucy is having the hardest time. She keeps going outside, looking for E. For the first couple days she would jump up eagerly every time we came home and then look at us like when are you bringing my buddy back? I think she is starting to realize that her best buddy isn't coming back. They'd been together for ten years. It just breaks my heart. As Lily says, Lucy is sad because Eli was her best friend and sister. Good bye Eli, my long dog with evil powers! You will be sadly missed!

To Lily, On Your 4th Birthday

Dear Lily,

Happy Birthday! Today you turn four and I can't believe it. There is nothing baby about you...you are a little girl through and through. This past year has been amazing. I can't believe how different you are from just a year ago. It has been a year full of changes for all of us, and you took every change in stride. You stepped into your big sister role seamlessly. You were definitely made for it. You started school and love it and love to learn. Your teachers have such amazing things to say about you. I am so proud of you, every minute of every day. We butt heads a lot. You are a lot like me.
You are becoming so fearless and I love that you aren't afraid to try new things. Your teachers say you sit back and observe first but always try what others are doing. You mastered going under water at swim lessons and now jump in with gusto! It is hard for me, at times, to accept that you don't need me as much anymore, but I also love your independence. And I depend on you. You are such a help with your sister. You are so happy to help. This morning you decided you needed to start making your bed since you are four.
You are so smart and so funny. You say about 100 funny things a day and I just love your sense of humor. You have an amazing memory. If I tell you we will do something later, I had better do it!

Lily, you made me a mother. I always wanted to be a mommy but I had no idea how amazing it would be. You are the best kid and you make me a better person. I worry about you every day. Not the way I worried about you when you were little. I still worry about you getting hurt, or when you are sick, but now I worry about how I am affecting you. I try to hear what you are hearing when I tell you "no" or "later". Please please please don't ever think what you want to do isn't important. I know that you love your sister, but I also know that sometimes you are still getting used to having to share me.

I love you Lily. I am proud of you and constantly amazed by you! You are an incredible, kind, smart, funny little lady and I am so blessed to be your mom!

Love,
Mommy

Margie is 5 Months Old!!

Okay, I am a little late here. Margie was actually 5 months old about two weeks ago, making her now 5 and 1/2 months old. But getting time to blog is hard these days! And I am glad I waited, because a week after her five month birthday she turned into a rolling machine. I don't have any stats on her because we {thankfully} haven't been to the doctor recently. I am guessing she is about 18 pounds. Who knows though?! I do know she wears 6-9 month or 9 month clothes. A couple 6 month outfits still fit her. We have been having some unseasonably warm weather so some summer outfits I have from Lily that I never thought Margie would fit into are actually getting some use.


Margie continues to be a good but all business eater. I guess I am thankful for that because I don't have as much time to spend just nursing as I did when I only had one child. My dreams of a good sleeper seem to be unfulfilled this time around as well. Margie actually sleeps pretty well at night, only rousing to eat once or twice and then going back to sleep. The caveat, she is still in our bed. I am curious to see how she would do in her crib but reluctant to move her. Most of the time I don't mind, although it would be nice to flop around all I want while I sleep :). She is not really a great napper. She pretty much hates her crib and it is a real battle to get her to take a nap in it. And even if I do get her to fall asleep, if she wakes up she screams and won't go back down, meaning she either only gets an hour at most nap or she sleeps on me on the couch. It is nice to spend the afternoon on the couch, but I get nothing done and poor Lily is left to fend for herself...We are working on it, but I just can't let my babies scream. She has started falling asleep around the same time and waking up about the same time, so my style of letting the baby set the sleep schedule (or my lazy parenting!) seems to have worked.


Margie is super smiley and loves to babble. We got her exersaucer down and she loves to jump in it. She also loves to chew on everything and anything. She doesn't have any teeth yet, but I think soon. She has recently found her toes, which of course go straight into her mouth. As I said, she recently mastered rolling and she rolls all over - when she wants. Mostly she just wants to be held all.the.time!! She loves to watch her big sister and she is starting to sit up if I prop her up.



Margie is just such a great baby. She is so different from Lily as a baby in so many ways, yet at the same time she is very similar. Lily is an awesome big sister and she really is a great help most of the time. I am such a lucky mommy to have two such amazing girls!

Margie is 4 Months Old!

Saturday marked Margie's 4 month birthday. Today we had her well baby check up and shots. I HATE when my kids need shots. I understand the importance of vaccines, but it just breaks my heart watching them get poked. Her stats:
Weight: 16 pounds, 90th percentile
Height: 24 3/4 inches, 90th percentile
Head: 16 1/4 cm, 50th percentile
She is pretty close to Lily's measurements at this age. Lily was 11 ounces heavier and 1/4 inch taller and their heads are the same, which is funny to me because Lily always seemed like she had such a big head but Margie's doesn't seem big. And actually, they both have average size heads. Margie definitely wins in the cheeks department though! She has outgrown almost all her diaper covers and we are ready to size up on her one size diapers. She is almost ready for her medium Fuzzi Bunz as well. She wears 6 month clothes, although I can still fit her in a couple 3-6 month outfits. I have a couple cute 6-9 and 9 month winter outfits from Lily that I was afraid Margie would never fit in but she just might!

Margie is a really good eater although she is all business. She nurses and is done and won't always eat unless she is hungry, which can be a bit of a pain if I want to feed her before we head out somewhere so I don't have to feed her out and about. She is becoming a little bit less of a good sleeper. She sleeps with us (which I know some people say is bad, but it works for us and we are all, for the most part, well rested!) and wakes a few times to eat and goes right back to sleep but I need to work on naps a bit. It isn't really her fault; she has a noisy older sister and also a very active older sister, so between school and ballet and swim lessons we are on the go a lot. My goal is to try to get her on a good afternoon nap schedule. We have between noon and three free almost always, so I want to get her to take a nice nap in her crib about this time each day. We will see. Right now she will fall asleep in her crib pretty easily but if she wakes up she screams her head off and won't go back to sleep, so she doesn't get a very long nap. I think she hates waking up and realizing she is alone. Margie also rolled from her tummy to her back for the first time on Thursday. She hasn't quite mastered going from back to tummy. She is super smiley and loves to coo all the time. She is really starting to watch Lily all the time and she LOVES to chew on her hands, or our hands. She also really likes the teething toy Santa brought her.


Margie is very cuddly and scoots herself right next to me when sleeping. She loves to be in one of the baby carriers and it is about the only time the little squirmy wormy is still. I have started going to the gym a couple of evenings a week. It is great for me, and it is good for Margie to spend some time with Daddy, but Matt often reports she cries a lot. She is such a mama's girl. I don't remember Lily being as clingy. I really love this age though. One of our favorite games is looking in the mirror and she will copy my expression. Lily likes to play as well.

I just love my baby girl!

All Together

You know those moms that look like they have it all together? I want to be one of them. I want to join the club. Can someone send me an invite? To be clear, I want to be one of those moms that appear to have it all together. I know that, by and large, moms having it all together is a myth. I have read plenty of blogs and talked with plenty of friends who appear to have it all together, only to know the truth. But really, while I would love to actually have it all together, I would be more than happy to pull off the illusion. And maybe even just once a week. This week I would look like I had it together at ballet, next week at swim lessons. At least a couple times a month if I could appear at preschool pickup and/or drop off not looking like I am going to pieces that would be awesome. I can only imagine what the director of Lily's school thinks of me. She probably shakes her head and thinks to herself "oh that poor woman, obviously can't handle two kids. She looked like she had it together before the baby was born." So yeah, if I could spread it around a little, the other people I come in contact with on a daily regular basis - the other moms - would at least think I wasn't a total lost cause.

For example, today I went to a play date at the park district. I had Margie in the Beco. I usually have her in the Beco at these play dates, but today it was because my sweatshirt was so stained with baby vomit the baby carrier actually helped cover it up. It was my second sweatshirt of the day. Also today I took a look at the finances. That alone is enough to give me hives. I decided that maybe I would just see what is out there in terms of part time jobs. I looked online and found that a local department store is hiring. It's close, it has flexible hours, and a little store discount so I could maybe buy some clothes so I didn't always look like a slob wouldn't hurt. I filled out the application part and then there was a little 50 question questionnaire. You know, the personality/what would you do in this situation/strongly agree-strongly disagree yada, yada, yada. I filled it out and was given a polite "Based on your answers, you are not suited for the position available." Awesome. I am not suited for a part time job at a retail store. Now I didn't really have my heart set on the job. I didn't even tell Matt I was applying and I don't know if I would have been able to work out a schedule that works with my family's schedule. But still. Still!

Honestly, a lot of the time I don't actually care what others think. It isn't that I have awesome self confidence, because I don't. It has a lot more to do with the fact that I can only worry about so many things at one time, and between worrying about paying the bills and feeding my kids and cleaning my house and grocery shopping and why oh why do the dogs stink so badly, that I just don't have any more room in my head to worry about other people's opinion of me. But all the same, I don't want anyone to think they need to call DCFS because clearly I'm losing it and two precious little girls are caught in the mayhem!

50 Pounds of Baby Love

I am a big fan of baby wearing, at least this time around. With Lily I had a borrowed Bjorn, which was horribly uncomfortable for both of us. I have since learned that those are considered "crotch danglers" and are not only bad for the wearers back, they are not good for a developing baby's spine and hips. I also had a peanut shell sling, which worked decently enough, but Lily was the independent,not so big on being close sort as a baby. Truth be told, she isn't really a big snuggler now. That is, unless I have Margie in the Beco Butterfly II. Then she crys that she wanted to be in the carrier. And while this carrier could easily accomodate her, Margie has clearly claimed it as hers, what with the spitting up on it and chewing on it. And the way her eyes light up and she gets the biggest smile ever when she sees me putting it on. So I decided to strap Lily in with my Maya Wrap. She was happy and secure and while I didn't get tons done, she was no longer exhibiting the jealousy towards Margie.

Margie loves loves loves to be worn. She will sleep, she will chew on the straps, she will coo. She is such a cuddly baby and sometimes it is the only way to attend to an almost 4 year old (sob!) as well as a must be held all the time baby. With Margie my go to carrier is my Beco. Best money spent. I haven't had her in the Maya for any length of time, but when she was littler (like newborn up to about 12 weeks) I loved my Moby. I still love my Moby and do occasionally use it as well. I think all three of my carriers will be interchangable in the months and years to come! And oh yeah, the only way I was even able to type this is with Miss Margie snuggled and asleep in the Beco.

Sometimes Lily likes to wear her baby (in a Moby type wrap I fashioned out of a scarf):

And sometimes she likes to be worn: