Musings

The girls and I are at my parents' house for the weekend. It's peaceful here. So peaceful right now. I have one baby asleep next to me; despite all the grief she may give me by day, she really does look like an angel. The other baby is sleeping g peacefully in the pack and play at the foot of the bed. Sleep is the only time she is still. There are two other bedrooms available, but we always sleep together when the three of us are here. I desperately want to be sleeping like them, but I can't shut off my brain. It's always going, planning, worrying.
We have big changes on the horizon. Huge changes. And in the midst of it I am trying to find myself. It's funny really, being 33 years old and trying to find yourself. There were years when I was a wife and was sure I would know myself once I was a mother. Then I was a mother with a young baby and I couldn't imagine anything greater. Then I had two babies and I thought that I had finally found myself. And then, one day it hit me. I am more than a wife and more than a mother. But I am not sure what that more is. Don't get me wrong, if I do nothing else in this world I will consider my life a triumphant success. Together with my husband, the man who balances me and knows me so well, the man who chose me, I have created life and that is awe inspiring and humbling. But I feel I'm on a precipice. I'm on the verge of something that is just me. Given time I'm sure ill figure it out. In the meantime, I'm going to sit back and embrace what I already am...

Because We Haven't Had Enough Changes in the Past Year

Things are about to get super crazy! We are moving...across the country!!! We are Denver bound! Matt has already been out there and found us a sweet new house which he closes on in two weeks! Our stuff is packed. I have given notice at work. And in 18 days we are leaving the midwest behind and heading for the mountains! I am so excited. And scared. And happy. And so, so, so ready to get back to my life from a year ago...albeit 1000 miles from where I thought we would be. I will be home with the kiddos again and it will be just us. The past year has been an adventure, to say the least. And I am so grateful for all the support we have had from our families, particulary my inlaws, who have put their lives on hold to help us get where we are. But we need to be back on our own and Matt has a great new gig. Hopefully we will get settled and acclimated and used to being just us in no time. Until then, though, I have details to figure out and stuff to pack!

Denver, here we come!!

A Day in the Life

I haven't posted in a bit so I thought I would do a little Day in the Life post. Except today is probably not the best day because it wasn't exactly our typical Wednesday. It was actually better - I'll get to that in a minute though. My day started about 2:45 (AM, mind you!) with Margie crying. She has been up during the night a lot the past week, and since she has I am majorly short on sleep. Wandering to her room I was completely confused as to what day it was and had momentarily convinced myself it was Saturday. Quite the disappointment when I realized a few minutes later it was actually the middle of the week, let me tell you! Anyway, since I am so exhausted I have resorted to bringing Margie back into bed with me. We worked so hard to get her in her own bed a few months ago, but I need some sleep! We get back in bed and of course I have to glance at my phone because I have issues am up anyway. What, you don't check your phone randomly in the middle of the night? I'm glad I checked it though, because there was a text from Matt that I must have just missed when I fell asleep informing me we got some good news we were really eager to hear! Yay! Good news in the middle of the night is always a nice surprise. 6 AM rolled around much sooner than I would have liked but I dragged my butt out of bed and got ready for work. I was happy to see my hair had cooperated with my plans. You see, I shower at night and last night was a hair washing night (I wash my hair about 3 times a week) and I didn't blow it dry. Sometimes I like to play this little game of slapping a little coconut oil or gel on my hair and going to bed with it wet and seeing how it turns out in the morning. Today I had almost achieved those sexy beach waves so I considered it a success. (My back up plan is a top knot/ballerina bun if the waves are too frizzy or wonky or whatever). I put Margie back in her bed, felt my heart tear a little as she cried for me, made my coffee and headed to work. Somehow I am a bit behind at work, which is both stressful and awesome because time flies as I try to get caught up. Today is Administrative Professionals Day, which means we had a luncheon at work. I am not an "administrative professional" but all hourly employees are categorized as such and therefore I was invited to the luncheon. It was actually pretty lame but after it was over I had the rest of the afternoon TO.MY.SELF!!! I hit up Old Navy to return a couple things and grab a few things for the girls. Then I wandered down to Ulta and studied some Urban Decay make up that everyone raves about. Then I realized I have about zero beauty sense so there probably wasn't much point in buying a $20 eyeliner (and the $10 sharpener I would also need). I decided to head to Target, which is more my speed in terms of beauty products. I picked up a few things, most importantly K-cups, and headed over to pick Lily up from school, which was honestly the highlight of the day, even over the time to myself. I don't get to pick her up very often so it is always a treat for both of us when I do. We came home and had a snack and Margie woke up from her nap. We just hung out until it was time to go to choir. The past few weeks Margie has been sitting with the kids at choir. She doesn't talk much and certainly isn't actually singing, but she loves to be with the big kids and loves to dance to the songs.

After choir we met my inlaws for dinner at Jason's Deli. They have an amazing salad bar which perfectly fit the bill since I have been doing the paleo diet. I seriously had the best salad of my life and completely paleo! After dinner we headed home and the kids went to bed. Margie usually goes to bed first but I have Lily get her pjs on so she doesn't wake up Margie by getting them on when she goes to bed. Today she wasn't being very cooperative so I just put her to bed then as well. Not the best way to end the evening, but actually pretty typical lately. I take comfort in knowing that I don't have a lot of specific memories from age 5, so hopefully when she is older she won't remember me as a mean mom who always sent her to bed.
A quick shower, some lunch prep for tomorrow and that brings me to now!

Good night!

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First of all, could these two be any more precious? I love these little ladies with all my heart and I go to bed every night thinking how did I get so lucky to be their mommy? I miss them when I am at work and want to snuggle them while they are sleeping. Unfortunately, the hours between work and sleep often find me tired and crabby and it is a hectic time of day and I know more days than not they don't get the mommy they deserve. And every night I promise myself I will do better tomorrow, but it is a viscious cycle.

We have some big changes ahead and I am so excited about them, but also a little sad and scared and nervous. More about that later. Life has been a roller coaster the past 9 months or so and I am ready to get off.

We have been decluttering lately. I have been listing a bunch of stuff on Craigslist. I have been pretty successful in selling some things, but it is a full time job just to coordinate who is coming to look at what when. Or maybe most people don't list a ton of things at once? I don't know. It is also frustrating when you get several inquiries about an item but then when you set something up for one person to come see something they don't show up. Oh well, we've unloaded some stuff we no longer use and got some cash for it, so I guess it is a win in the end.

Today it finally started to feel like spring. It is March 28. The kids played outside a bit and I didn't wear a coat to work. Sure, it seemed like a mistake when I left at 6:45 and it was only 26 degrees out, but when came home at 3:00 and it was 50 degrees I realized I had clearly made the right choice. Ahem. I am looking forward to flip flops and no coats and going to the park every afternoon with the kids. I never used to mind winter before I had kids. Now, well now I am so over it by about MLK day.

Okay, time to watch the Daily Show. Night night!

FIVE!!!

Happy Birthday Lily Kathleen! You are five today! I can hardly believe it. It seems like just yesterday you made me a mommy, but I can't even remember what life was like before you were born. You have brought so much joy and laughter into my life. Everyday is challenging and wonderful and I am so blessed to be your mommy.


I won't lie - four has been a rough year. There have been a lot of changes and I know they have been hard on you. My going back to work has been the hardest on both of us. But I promise that five holds wonderful thing! We have so many adventures ahead of us and I can't wait! You will be starting kindergarten and we will be moving into a new house. You will be learning new things and making new friends.

You are such an amazing kid! You are creative and sensitive and intuitive and so stubborn. You are so smart and so funny and you never cease to amaze me with the things that come out of your mouth. You love to sing and make up your own songs. You love to play with your stuffed animals. You aren't so much into dolls and babies, but you love your stuffed animals and some of you little action figures. You current favorites are Ghost Busters and Star Wars, to you daddy's delight. We went to Build a Bear today and you created a Star Wars leopard (aptly named Jedi Leopard!), complete with light sabar and playing the Star Wars theme. At Toys R Us you picked out a light saber and Ghost Busters action figures. They fit perfectly with your Star Wars-Pirate-Ghost Busters-Princess themed birthday party. For dinner you asked for Swedish meatballs. Meatballs and noodles are your favorite foods ever! You are not big on breakfast and you tend to be a night owl. You love your daddy and sister with all your heart, and I think you are pretty fond of me as well. Sometimes you definitely just need some time alone with me, which makes me feel so good to be needed! I always used to think of you as outgoing and an extrovert, but I am learning that you are really an introvert. You are so observant and you pick up on everything.

Lily, you made me a mommy and I love you so much! Happy birthday Chickie!

Exhausted!

It is 9:08 pm and I am literally sitting down for the first time today. The real kicker is that I didn't even go to work today. I came home about an hour later than normal yesterday because I had a doctor's appointment and found Lily completely conked out in the chair. The girl never naps and never stops moving, so I knew something was up. She was pale and burning up. I took her temp and it was 101.9. She didn't have any complaints so I held off on the Tylenol but when I took it a bit later and it was up to 103 her protests of "but I feel fine" fell on deaf ears. One dose of Tylenol and her fever hasn't come back and she has been a little subdued, a little glassy eyed and a little pale, but otherwise her normal self. Anyway, being the good, rule following parent that I am, I kept her home from school and stayed home with her myself. I should say I mostly stayed home with her.

Here's a run down of my day:

7 am - Lily comes in our room. My husband and MIL swear to me they can barely wake her up at 8:15 for school most mornings, but I call shenanigans. She was up at 7 am both days this weekend as well as today. I was looking forward to sleeping until at least 7:30 when Margie usually gets up, but I'll take 7 since that is usually when I am starting work.

7:30 - The kids and I wander downstairs for some breakfast. We play a little and watch some cartoons and I load up the dishwasher.

8:15 - Margie and I head upstairs to get dressed. My MIL usually takes Margie to story time at the library on Tuesdays but I am taking advantage of being home to take her myself. I get Margie ready and try to get myself presentable with M under foot. She brushes her teeth (ok, chews on her toothbrush!) for 20 minutes whie I brush my teeth, wash my face, put on a bit of make up and attempt to do something with my unruly hair that is about 7 months overdue for a trim.

9:00 - Call on a bill that our old tenants didn't pay but then did pay us for. I am hoping we can wash our hands of these people for good but I already know I am going to be on the hook for the December and January water bill because "the bill follows the property and you are the property owners". In the six months that the people lived there they got two shut off notices that I had to harass them to pay. They did, but I am not holding my breath they will pay the remaining bill. I have already resigned myself to paying it rather than worrying about it. I sure hope that isn't the case for ComEd and Nicor. Need to look into that tomorrow.

9:22 - Realize we need to leave for story time. I grab M, strap her in the car and make a quick phone call to my hubby on the short drive. We pull in just in time.

9:30 - Story time! This is the highlight of my day. I have been so sad about not doing story time with Margie because Lily and I used to have a blast and I am thrilled that I got to take her today!

10:15 - Story time is over. We head to the meat market to pick up some andouille sausage. I am making etouffee. For 30 people. We cook once a month for our church's Wednesday night supper. Matt volunteered for the gig, but I get to cook today. Good thing I took the day off because the darn roux alone requires about an hour of constant stirring.

11:00 - We get home. I check in with Lil. She's watching cartoons and looking at her new "Highlights" magazine that came in the mail today and feeling fine, even if she does look a little pale still. No fever. I give the girls both a snack and formulate a strategy for cooking.

11:30 - Margie seems tired so I try to put her down for an early nap. She isn't a fan of that idea so after about 20 minutes I give up.

11:50 - Start some lunch for the girls. Start munching on some Tostitos myself.

12:15 - Feed the girls. Noodles with butter and garlic salt. Sure, it lacks pretty much any nutrition what so ever, but the girls love it. It's the Barilla Plus - it has protein or something. Plus they had milk.

1:00 - Margie is finally ready for a nap. I change her diaper and am happy to discover she pooped. Hopefully this means a longer nap. I kiss her little head and ask that she please sleep for at least 2 hours.

1:05 - Start some laundry.

1:10 - Clean up the kitchen from lunch.

1:20 - Begin cooking. Chat with Lily. Have her do a worksheet. It is Q week this week.

3:00 - I hear someone on the monitor. She slept for exactly 2 hours.

3:15 - Come back down with Margie. Give her some of the smoothie that I had just made. She loves it. Lily does not. I change around some laundry and continue stirring my masterpiece.

4:30 - Fold some laundry. The girls are helping, which means Margie is throwing clean clothes on the dog hair covered floor. But they are happy and I am happy.

5:00 - Lily's teacher had emailed earlier to let me know the kids would be going outside to play in the snow at school tomorrow. I have to round up her snow gear since it is the first time we have really needed it in a year. Thankfully it is all easy to locate, with the exception of her snow mittens. I figure her stretchy gloves should do. How long can they really be out anyway? I throw an extra pair of fleece gloves in her backpack just in case.

5:30 - Lily wants to play hide and seek. I have just finished cleaning up the kitchen yet again and even though I really want to sit down for a few minutes I oblige her. She has been really good all day and I need to stop saying no because I am tired.

6:15 - Dinner. Thankfully my MIL was cooking today. Spaghetti. Margie is a disaster. She will definitely be needing a bath tonight. Last night was bath night. Make a mental note to coordinate our meals with bath nights.

6:45 - Give M a bath. It is a very basic, get you clean bath. She is disappointed at the lack of playing. Despite very little play time, I am still soaked.

7:00 - Bed time for Margie. She has mercy on me and goes down easily.

7:15 - Finish helping clean the kitchen for the millionth time today. I switch around some more laundry, make Lily's lunch, and make some brownies for tomorrow.

8:15 - The kitchen is finally clean, the brownies are done, the laundry is folded and it is time for Lily to go to bed. We go upstairs and read a story and I am able to talk her into going to bed without a fight. Victory is mine!

8:20 - Jump in the shower. I am thankful that there is any hot water left after all the dishes I have done.

8:45 - Throw a load of cloth diapers in the dryer. I'll deal with folding and stuffing them tomorrow.

9:00 - Sit down. It's been a long day, but a good day. This kind of busy suits me. I've been a working mom for a little over six months now and days like today still feel more natural. I know tomorrow will be a busy day as well. Wednesdays always are. But that busy will include a full day of work, away from my babies.

9:45 - I'm done blogging and going to read. I imagine I will get about 4 pages before I fall asleep.

Goodnight!!

To My Children

To My Lovely Little Ladies,

You girls are amazing. It is as simple as that, and yet so, so complicated. Being a mommy is hard. It is hard on so many levels, but I look at your beautiful little faces and I forget all the hard stuff. Like when I can't pick you up from school, Lily, because I have to work. Or Margie, when I can't bring you into bed anymore because at some point you need to sleep through the night. It is hard when I am trying to get two overly tired girls to bed by myself and hard when you both have very different but very important needs at the same time. It is hard to concentrate at work when I am not with you and equally as hard to admit that you are okay without me sometimes.

But the hard stuff, that's life. There is hard stuff everywhere. And the hard stuff makes everything else just that much sweeter. Watching you sleep, listening to you giggle. The stories you tell, Lily, and the depth of you imagination awe me on a daily, no hourly, basis. Margie, watching your little {BIG} personality really emerge makes my heart swell.

I know I am not the best mommy. I yell way too much and I am not a patient person. I have expectations. The way I think things should be. I am lazy sometimes and sometimes I say no out of laziness. I don't always have the imagination to participate in games and sometimes I just want quiet. But I promise to try harder. I promise to say yes more and to let you lead more. I promise to really, really, really try not to yell. I promise to listen to your stories. And I promise that no matter what, I couldn't love you both any more. You are my heart, my soul, my everything. You are the reason I was put on this earth.

I love you both more than you can fathom, but I pray one day, when you have children of your own, you will understand what I mean.

Love,
Mommy